I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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