Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
BRING THE BAGELS
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
