So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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