Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
