mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
