So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
