Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son