I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
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you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
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also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.