before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?