My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.