I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
