my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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