New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
