I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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