Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
