Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
