He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
