you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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