I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
