This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
