I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
