yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
