Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
