I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
