He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
