You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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