1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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