They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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