please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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