I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
