I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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