here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
