I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
