apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
