I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
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