If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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