I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
