I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
