dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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