if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
