I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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