I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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