i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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