She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
