took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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