Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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