I think I died a long time ago.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
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I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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