So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
