I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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