Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
