I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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