You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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