Don't make out with my wife yet
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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