That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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