whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
