Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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