Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
