is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
