I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
